Rolling Stone is often considered the pinnacle of music journalism, but today they made a very poor decision.
The decision came in the form of publishing a two-hundred and four word review on ScHoolboy Q’s Oxymoron from Christopher R. Weingarten. The album isn’t even out yet. Okay, it’s out as in leaked, as in he might have received an advanced copy from Anthony “Top Dawg” Tiffith himself, but what the hell is he doing prematurely ejaculating a review on one of the most highly anticipated hip hop albums of 2014?
Here’s my favorite quote from this questionable review:
“It helps that his voice is simply elastic – reminiscent at times of everything from Pusha T’s steely grimace to T.I.’s effortless assonance to Eminem’s giddy singsong: a finessed tool consistently going “hamhock” on some of the hardest beats this side of Illmatic.”
Did he just use “hamhock” and Illmatic in the same sentence? Unless you’re saying, “This Illmatic 20th Anniversary edition is about to be better than my grandmother’s ham hocks and collard greens” that shit is unacceptable. And what the fuck does “this side of Illmatic” even mean? Are you trying to say that ScHoolboy Q’s album has the hardest beats in the past 20 years of hip hop? If you’re going to make a claim that big you’re going to need more than two-hundred and four words to do it.
Isn’t it bad enough that after months of anticipation Oxymoron leaked, preventing Q from getting the full commercial support he deserves for putting in tireless amounts of work on his major-label debut? Fans of Q have been promising to support this album for the past year and change. As the days go by, those $upporter$ grow curiouser and curiouser like my girl Alice, and eventually leak downloaders, never fulfilling their promise of purchasing the album. I’m guilty of doing it. I did it with My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.
If anyone is going to write a review on a highly anticipated album — BEFORE THE ALBUM IS EVEN LEGALLY AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE – it better be fuego. And it better contain a huge spoiler alert at the beginning, like:
WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS A FUEGO-ASS REVIEW OF SCHOOLBOY Q’S HIGHLY ANTICIPATED ALBUM OXYMORON, WHICH YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GO OUT AND SUPPORT WITH YOUR MONEY BECAUSE Q HAS BEEN WORKING HIS ASS OFF TO DELIVER THE BEST ALBUM IMAGINABLE, WHICH CONTAINS THE HARDEST BEATS THIS SIDE OF ILLMATIC*
*WE WILL THOROUGHLY EVALUATE AND DISCUSS THAT STATEMENT BEFORE MAKING A FINAL DECISION ON ITS ACCURACY.
If not, just wait until 12:00:01 a.m. on Feb. 25th to drop the review and pretend that Mr. Weingarten is the fastest album-listening review-typing journalist this side of Illmatic.